Sempor Memorium

On Friday a man with more dedication and a love of the fire/EMS service than myself and many others decided whatever personal problems he had were too much for him to bear. He spent a good portion of his 20 some odd years helping others and for whatever ironic reason was unable to find the help and solace he gave so many others.

Greg Castillo worked as an EMT Intermediate for three different New Hampshire services. He worked long, long hours often being away from his home for days at a time in order to practice his skills and no doubt tough out a living on the wages we make. He loved what he did so much that he involved himself in the Muddy Angels EMS Memorial Cycling Program and did the Boston to Roanoke Virgina ride at least once. He Traveled to Ireland in order to participate in their bike ride for rememberance.

We called him "Two Phones" because before I worked with him he sold cell phones and had his personal cell phone and his work cellphone on his belt all the time....we're not that inventive. He was a quirky strange guy but one who wouldn't hesitate to help anyone in any way he could. More than once I forgot my lunch or money and he'd unquestioningly buy me a burger. He had his little nuances that could drive you crazy but his quick sense of humor and his willingness do anything for anyone usually made you forget what little thing he did to piss you off.

He was known for consuming vast quantities of food at a sitting, littlerally measuring the first plate in servings. Putting away an entire basket of chicken fingers, french fries and a milk shake followed by a tray of the ubiquitious Sunday Night Brownies was not uncommon. Left overs on the verge of being thrown out from the fridge for sitting in there for too long never found the garbage can because of Greg.

After I left Rockingham I ran into Greg back in the winter at Concord Hospital. He was dropping of a patient for some procedure or another and as usual he had that big smile, the kind the lit up the room because you could just tell "Here is a guy who loves what he does." He shook my hand and we bull shited about peopel we knew and what the ambulance higher ups were up to, how Manch 911 was going and how he was excited for another bike ride. We talked about his Ireland trip and he how much he loved going over there.

Years ago I dealt with a patient who commited suicide. My partner at the time was a Lieutenant by the name of Mike Rosen, a big guy with a heart of gold. I can remember being totally speachless as the father of the patient just sobbed and Mike consoled him saying "Whatever pain he felt made him seek a permanent solution to a temporary problem. People often think they can't talk about whats bothering them. I have no doubt if he came to you you'd have listened and talked and helped him through it. It's not your fault."

Greg could have gone to anyone he worked with, theres not a single EMT or medic at any of the three services he worked for who would not have jumped at the chance to litterally through aside whatever they were doing and dealing with to help their brother. Unfournately whatever pain or problems Greg suffered from warped his mind into thinking that this was the only way out.

Countless co workers and friends are looking at the incident and wondering if they could have been able to help. They wonder if they could only have spoken with him or found out about his personal troubles maybe they could have gotten him help. And the answer is yes, if you knew you could have helped. If you had found out that Greg was suffering in such away as to even consider this action you would have helped. But Greg kept his personal problems personal and did not seek the help anyone would have readily given. The kind of pain that drives someone to shun his brothers and sisters is too great to even imagine, but if he had sought help I know that whoever he went to would have listened patiently and talked with him, helped him through his problems or found him someone who could.

The Fire/Rescue service is such that its members tend to be very closed off. We talk about the brotherhood and the familial atmosphere of the firehouse but lets look at the issues and the feelings we keep from our biological families. Humans are a strange creature in that we seek out companionship and relationships in order to share our feelings and our troubles yet we don't share those troubles for fear of burdening our companions. The shock wave that Greg's death sent through the emergency community is similar to that felt by a biological family, perhaps its even stronger because unlike a family his coworkers have been with him when he did what he loves, they've shared the back of the ambulance and the back step of the truck with him.

I was in the middle of a 48 hour shift when I found out Greg had passed. As is apparently the custom of our society I put up an away message on Facebook. "5-5-5-5 TP, May the wind always be at your back...." THe 5-5-5-5 signfies 4 sets of 5 tones dropped to mourn the passing of a firefighter, it means he has responded to his final alarm and he has returned to quarters for the last time. The latter of the message is the begining of an ancient Gaelic blessing which, unbeknownst to me, Greg put up on his EMS World page as his final post, his final message to the world.

Greg someday we will all meet again. Itl'' be a big firehouse dinner with enough food to sate even your appetite. At that meal the dispatch gods will be kind and we'll all get together and talk, laugh and have a grand time. The tones will be quiet and we won't roll untill all the catching up is done. And when the tones finally sound it will be for light, respectful patients and fully involved buidlings. But untill that day you watch over us, my friend, you keep us safe and you laugh when we have that annoying fat patient stuck on the toilet. Laugh when we get toned for a clearly bullshit call at 5 minutes to shift change. Enjoying knowing that everytime we get on that truck you are with us. But above all please find the peace and solace that you gave so many others through the practcing of your trade.