Baby Steps
Not many things scare me. I'm not trying be Johnny Badass but its true, I don't scare all that easy when it comes to reallife events. Fires, explosives, diving. When I was a cop I had a subject threaten me with a claw hammer. He was a good foot taller than me and had a few pounds on me but I just told him. "Fuck you, pal. I don't get paid enough for this. Put that down before you do something you regret." See, a real Bullit, right? Just trying to say I've seen alot.
But kids, babies, little people, hell even midgets scare the bejesus out of me. I was once taking care of my girlfriend's little cousin and she wanted to be picked up. Now, I've never held a real kid before so I just picked her up like a football. She promptly asked "You've never held a little girl before, have you?" Later I was holding her baby brother, surrounded by pillows and a special padded ring to add an extra layer of baby drop protection.
Back when I learned childbirth procedures as a first responder, I was terrified. All I had to do was basically catch and help the EMTs. Now, I'm the EMT. I have to be able to reach up inside the birth canal and manipulate the fetus so he/she is no longer choking or ingesting his on meconium. I have to cut the chord, ventilate and treat the newborn.
My previous experience with babies included lots of pillows and a tutorial from Colleen, my girlfriend. Now I have to be able to move around, sans pillows, with the newborn. I have to make it breathe and live on its own, all while calming the mother.
I decided long ago that when the mother of my children gives birth I will be in the waiting room handing out fine Cuban cigars. It took a lot of string pulling but I managed to arrange to have my children birthed in a fifties TV show. It was going to be just Swell. Now I'm learning how to clip the umbiblical chord, not cigars. Hell, I can't even use the same piece of equipment.
Of course I'm kidding, I want to see my children born and we all know Cubans are illegal because Castro is a dirty Commie. But I am trully, and honestly, afraid of delievering babies. The vast majority of births will go off without a hitch. The baby instinctually knows how to twist and turn himself in order to propperly allign for what my instructor termed "the Life Louge". Drummed into to every baby ( in some sort of testicular flight school I imagine) is how to move itself in order to exit. Armed with this innate knowlege, the only help the baby should need is support and some suction to clear his airway.
But some babies slept through the lecture on how to twist their shoulders and upper body, some come out feet first. Some poke out an arm first. Other problems can occur such as the baby sitting on his chord or wrapping it around his neck. All of these are multiple life threatening conditions. Both mother and baby are in danger of injury or death when the baby does things that its not supposed to. Since I'm usually first on scene, its my job to move the baby around and keep him from hurting himself and his mom.
I have to be able to move the baby into the right positions.
I don't mind big people, or fire, or big people on fire. But babies scare me. Maybe its because they're so little and they have so much ahead of them. I want to be able to help them and make their transition from womb to world as easy and safe as possible. Hopefully I'll be able to do it and do it well because thats what the baby needs.
But kids, babies, little people, hell even midgets scare the bejesus out of me. I was once taking care of my girlfriend's little cousin and she wanted to be picked up. Now, I've never held a real kid before so I just picked her up like a football. She promptly asked "You've never held a little girl before, have you?" Later I was holding her baby brother, surrounded by pillows and a special padded ring to add an extra layer of baby drop protection.
Back when I learned childbirth procedures as a first responder, I was terrified. All I had to do was basically catch and help the EMTs. Now, I'm the EMT. I have to be able to reach up inside the birth canal and manipulate the fetus so he/she is no longer choking or ingesting his on meconium. I have to cut the chord, ventilate and treat the newborn.
My previous experience with babies included lots of pillows and a tutorial from Colleen, my girlfriend. Now I have to be able to move around, sans pillows, with the newborn. I have to make it breathe and live on its own, all while calming the mother.
I decided long ago that when the mother of my children gives birth I will be in the waiting room handing out fine Cuban cigars. It took a lot of string pulling but I managed to arrange to have my children birthed in a fifties TV show. It was going to be just Swell. Now I'm learning how to clip the umbiblical chord, not cigars. Hell, I can't even use the same piece of equipment.
Of course I'm kidding, I want to see my children born and we all know Cubans are illegal because Castro is a dirty Commie. But I am trully, and honestly, afraid of delievering babies. The vast majority of births will go off without a hitch. The baby instinctually knows how to twist and turn himself in order to propperly allign for what my instructor termed "the Life Louge". Drummed into to every baby ( in some sort of testicular flight school I imagine) is how to move itself in order to exit. Armed with this innate knowlege, the only help the baby should need is support and some suction to clear his airway.
But some babies slept through the lecture on how to twist their shoulders and upper body, some come out feet first. Some poke out an arm first. Other problems can occur such as the baby sitting on his chord or wrapping it around his neck. All of these are multiple life threatening conditions. Both mother and baby are in danger of injury or death when the baby does things that its not supposed to. Since I'm usually first on scene, its my job to move the baby around and keep him from hurting himself and his mom.
I have to be able to move the baby into the right positions.
I don't mind big people, or fire, or big people on fire. But babies scare me. Maybe its because they're so little and they have so much ahead of them. I want to be able to help them and make their transition from womb to world as easy and safe as possible. Hopefully I'll be able to do it and do it well because thats what the baby needs.
posted by Nick Stabile at 9:17 PM
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